Well, hospitals here in Thailand are in EVERY WAY different than hospitals in the US. First, you register yourself and tell the woman (I say woman because I saw no men operating in any capacity other than as a doctor) what kind of doctor you need to see. Then they take your picture (what a great time to have your picture taken..when you're at the hospital and clearly not feeling well for one reason or another), give you a badge with your hospital number, and off you go to the correct department. Then you get to the correct department (ours was in a different building), and they ask you which doctor you want to see. Are you fucking kidding me? LOOK AT ME, LADIES. Do I look like I have any clue how to pronounce half these names, much less know which of them I want? So they picked one for me. (No I didn't fucking say this to them, by the way)
This is the fun part. I was kind of assuming that because this was such a top-notch hospital, they'd be like...nice to me. Ha. Yeah right. Sterile is the word. At best. The nurse comes to get me, says to me, "Step on scale", then "Get off scale", then "...go to this room." This is the part where I see this Chinese doctor, who proceeds to ask me what my problem is. That's how he said it too...."WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM." So I tell him I'm having all these horrible cramps and stuff and he's half-listening the whole time. Says, "Well that's normal. Let me do an internal exam and test you for pregnancy." Uh. Ok. I already know I'm pregnant but whatevs.
The nurse takes me to an exam room. Shuts the door, looks at me, and says, "Take off your underwear and go to the bathroom." Then she just leaves. Well what the hell does that mean? Am I supposed to pee in a cup? Just use the bathroom? NUMBER ONE OR NUMBER TWO. This could be a real problem. Dudes. I seriously stood in the bathroom for like four minutes, puzzling as to what I should do. I figured I'd just pee and assume that's all I'm supposed to do.
I come out and there's the doctor, waiting for me. He says, "Get up here and spread your legs so I can put my whole hand inside you. RELAX." Oh yeah. Absolutely. Relax. That's exactly what I want to do after some little Chinese guy says this to me. As he's doing the exam, he looks up at me and says, "Did you go pee pee?" I can't even write this without laughing. Anyway. That's what he said. I said, "Yes, why?" He said, "I don't want you to pee pee right now." Ok. Don't worry. I'm not 5. I think I can refrain from pissing on you, sir.
Then I get a blood test and he tells me to come back in two weeks for an ultrasound. They give me no choice on the date or time. They just write a card with my appointment on it and give it to me. My pregnancy instructions are as follows: Don't drink caffeine unless you want to burp a lot. You may have one alcoholic drink a month. Refrain from having sex.
Well I'll take at least one piece of that advice.